*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
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Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.