Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
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I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
My daily affirmation
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
We’re all getting idioter.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
when you don’t want to be too vague
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.