Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
You Might Also Like
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.