Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
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Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
One venti cheeseburger please.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart