Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.