FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend