FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
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I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
stand with me against insufficient seating
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.