FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
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if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before