FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
You Might Also Like
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
My dog ate my work from home.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember