FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
You Might Also Like
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
LOOOOOOL
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.