flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
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I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
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