flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
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11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Whoa 😂
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*