FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
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In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.