I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.