In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
buys donuts instead
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE