I have no passwords left in me
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Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.