Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.