Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
You Might Also Like
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old