Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.