FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Never let them know your next move 😂
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*