FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Turns down music in car: I鈥檝e never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic鈥檚.
Friend: That鈥檚 my stomach.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Boss: You鈥檙e late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn鈥檛 matter that in China I鈥檇 be 12 hours early.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it鈥檚 all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it鈥檚 your liver & kidneys
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 馃槉
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There鈥檚 a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
@ candidates for local office
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.