Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
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An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
We avoided this particular disaster
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.