Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
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If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.