I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
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Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.