My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
this is the best day of my life
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
(Gaming support cat.)
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing