It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate