*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Don’t forget to tip your server
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Worth a try
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”