*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Me too
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues