(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
#TopTip
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?