Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
You Might Also Like
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz