I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
This is true.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
the simulation is moving too fast
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.