Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
When you kidnap a writer.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
#Caturday
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”