*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
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I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
oh you wanna fight?!
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?