Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
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My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Hey Fugeddaboutit
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them