me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
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Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”