*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
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[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
me and the Superbowl rn
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: