*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Anime is real
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT