Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
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I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?