Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
#Caturday
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”