I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
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I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
an airline just for babies.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
fixed it
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please