[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope