[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up