[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab