[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding