[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
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Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?