Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
He is just living hist best little life 😊
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.