[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
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[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?