[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
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INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.