Florida be like…
You Might Also Like
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
This makes total sense…
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
me hitting on a model
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”