Florida be like…
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
crazy
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey