Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell